The Phone Call I Didn't Make

I was laying in bed - trying to take my Sunday afternoon nap when my thoughts started buzzing.  I hate that really,  why can't they buzz when I'm not trying to sleep.  I had been doted on by my children and husband - I had just gotten off the phone from wishing my mother a Happy Mother's Day and my mind went almost immediately to the phone call I didn't make this Mother's Day - the one I have never made on Mother's Day.

The truly interesting thing is I have never even thought about calling my birth mother on this day to honor mothers until today.  Never even crossed my mind.  Maybe because it seemed like such an impossible risk to take that I couldn't even address it.  I have changed a lot in the last year.  I used to think only about what my birth parents wanted.  Respecting their privacy, their secrets.  I used to hide from my own fears behind my respect for their privacy. I used to say that I didn't want to risk messing up the potential for a relationship by pushing them.  Then I realized that either way - I had no relationship with them.  Either way I got nothing.  I was protecting nothing.

So, I started to think about how I might contact these people - my mysterious birth parents, their mysterious family.  What I might be willing to risk.  Thinking about what I wanted and not just what they wanted.  Lots of thinking and truthfully no action.  I have yet to do anything about it, with exception of starting this blog, which they don't know exists.

To be honest, I scared myself today when I thought - I should just call her and wish her a happy Mother's Day.  I mused about how that phone call might go.  I would ask to speak with her.  I would say Happy Mother's Day.  I am sure at some point - who is this would be asked.  I would answer Lisa, but would she know that's my name?  I sent her a letter once, would she remember my name from that?  Awkward.  Would I need to use my original birth name.  My name is Lisa, you might know me better as Danielle.  It's been almost 45 years, and I don't know her at all - maybe she wouldn't recognize either name.  Awkward.

I am sure that one reason I avoid contact with them - even though I want it so badly - is I just wouldn't know what to say.  There is such deep water there with such a strong and unrelenting undertow.  Would I say too much and scare them off - would I say to little and would they think that I don't care?  Too needy, not needy enough?  Too invasive, too aloof?  Regardless, my mind always goes to me doing something wrong, unacceptable, unforgivable.  Me doing something that gives them a reason to be distant.  I have found it paralyzing.

Needless to say I didn't call.  But I suppose considering it was progress.